He Called Me Miss

My february the 30th

The floor is cold

My blood is colder

I cant recall how I ended up spread on the ground

Lack of sleep? Sickness? drug over dose?

Perhaps! All I know is that I am there, its done!

I feel beautiful, burden-less…

If only my beloveds could see me now;

Snap a picture of my motionless beauty!

Where are my beloveds anyway?

Well, they have to show up at a point!

I cant last that long, not this way!

Any minute now!

Lovers feel each other; he’ll walk right through the door ,

Any minute now!

I wont be able to see her shoes because my big hair covers my shut eyes

But I repeat, lovers feel each other

I’ll feel something

Any minute now!

The sounds gradually fade away

My heart beats are louder yet slower

I am growing quite accustomed to tranquility

I’ll miss that serenity, but my beloveds are worth the chatter of life

I’ll re-engage with them

Oh how exited I am

Laugh again with them, love with them

Any minute now!

Yes! Here now, a hand reaching out for me

It is so smooth, so warm and cuddly

Is it sweet he that heard my disturbed heart beat?

Is it sweet she that sensed my frozen feet?

Is it him? Is it her?

OH God,

It is the housekeeper!!!

anti clocks

the girl named she!!

The girl named she, cursed her beloveds for she needed a reason to weep

Justification of tears and sad memories to keep

Should she look weak to those who suffer more

Should she complain of the pains of her eternal war?

Her walls would gradually close in

And she started to feel the solitude forming her coffin

Yet she breathed like she never breathed before

She’d laugh she’d cry she’d love and she’d hate

She’d sleep she’d wake she’d breath and suffocate

She’d appear all strong but she was afraid of her fate

The girl named she tossed about the bed

The girl named she heard voices in her head

The girl named she didn’t know what to do

No lover no friend no sibling and none of u

The girl named she had no one to observe her

The girl named she traced her veins with a razor

And you’ll never know why she killed herself

days of despair "just for xanga"

Where is the silence? Where is the peace? Quietness and time are tedious. I died somewhere, I died when I became aware of the living. I observed them with a keen eye, I was merging with their melody to get by the day. I was pretentious and sleazy! I was never truly happy by those I most longed for. I would push my way in through the strong crowed, to find myself tossed around like a dead pooch and out again. I speak with the past tense, for I no longer have faith in tomorrow, tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow! Tomorrow was today, it was yesterday, so was the day before yesterday and the day before that! We resign at the sentence of “come what may” with the heart filled fear that what may come is against our satisfaction. It comes, it hurts, we remember it, we never forgive it, amnesty is oblivion. And now, at this very breath I am inhaling, I am loosing contact with the souls. There’s flesh, a lot of it, yet no connection. Illusions, ungrateful illusions. Neurotic imaginations, mirror conversations and a whole play where I star all roles. I feel that ghost, I see it, I laugh with it, I hear its sarcasm, I saw it die once, I had it in my arm, my dead ghost! Vanished and I wept. Real tears for artificial existence. Could I be so lonely that I have imaginary friends in the midst of my adolescence? Untamed and unsatisfied and I am creating insanity. The spiritual connections, I am blocking them out, my pretentious skills have evaporated. My unwelcoming face drives those pathetic companions away. I am unconsciously retrieving where I will be lost and damned. For I, Fevee, damned myself and cursed my life, unaware, with eternal detachment.